Monday, January 12, 2009

Dakota Fanning

Let me first preface this entry by saying that I think kids are great. They are the vessels for companies to keep making the delicious explosions of sugar that an adult/me probably shouldn't (but does) eat for breakfast including, but not limited to: Cookie Crisp, Pop Tarts and Donuts. Without kids, I would have no unnecessarily easy maze or three letter word scrambles (which are surprisingly difficult) on the back of my cereal box to keep me occupied in the morning. So I guess thanks for that kids. That being said, I do have some complaints.

Children, bless their hearts, will always want to be like adults. They have a youthful yearning to imitate mommy or daddy, hence the reason little girls generally have a genetic desire to wear makeup and carry purses. It obviously serves no practical function, but admittedly it is cute so we let it happen.

Little kid 1: Do you have any Kleenex?
Little kid 2:
Hold on I think I have some in my purse....let's see...looks like a have a Barbie, some sand from the box earlier, a nickel, two worms and a Cheetoh. Nope, no Kleenex. Can I interest you in some Pez instead?

Could they be any more precious? The answer is yes, but truthfully it becomes borderline cocky at a point. Now, before you get all "They're just kids?!" on me, let me explain. You see, if a child were to say a curse word at a very young age, the odds are pretty good that everyone would laugh and say "Where did he hear that from? Probably his father!" and everyone would have a good chuckle and probably hug and drink hot chocolate together. However, if that same child said the same thing five years after the fact, he would be punished. Ain't that a bitch? The point is, that after doing it for a time the child would have some idea of their actions and should be able to choose whether or not to do it again (unless they were born with an unstable super power that they cannot control which would be, for lack of a better term, completely awesome.) Which, in a loosely related way brings me to my arch-nemesis: Dakota Fanning.

Dakota Fanning first sprung up in a little movie called "I Am Sam" in 2001. Demon child aside, this was an excellent, heartfelt story that I may or may not have cried watching. Upon first glance, one can't help but fall in love with her character. I mean it's a little kid taking care of an adult. Thoughtful... At least that's what I thought. Then I saw an interview with her two years later after the release of the now classic and on my bookshelf "Uptown Girls". The then 9-year-old Fanning raved about her "career" and the "projects" she's worked on talking about her "co-stars" and how she's just been sooo busy being better than everyone else. Keep in mind that 9-year-old everyone elses were still getting hand-written crayon letters with "Do you like me? Circle yes, no or maybe" written on them. I usually circled maybe. I liked to play the mysterious card.

But going back to my earlier point, if Dakota were to act all adult in an interview when she were, say, four years old, everyone would say "Aw, she thinks she has a career! How sweet..." and then probably hug and drink hot chocolate together. However, if she were to do the same thing when she was, say, nine years old, everyone/me would say "Who the hell does she think she is?" If you think that I'm overreacting, watch any movie she's ever been in. She generally plays the annoying sister-type that won't stop acting ten years older than she actually is. See the aforementioned "Uptown Girls" or "The Cat in the Hat" or "War of the Worlds". If you've seen any of these you know exactly what I'm talking about. She's always watching, always judging.

I'm better than you.

Maybe I'm just jealous of her early success. Maybe I'm jealous because she had over 20 acting gigs before she was 10 years old. But isn't that like saying I'm jealous of Screech for his early success in Saved By the Bell? No, I imagine I would only be truly jealous of her if I were, say, a 9-year-old struggling actor. Until then, I'm going to continue sort of boycotting her movies until she's a 30-year-old struggling actor that becomes the house favorite to beat out that kid from "The Sixth Sense" on VH1's "Surreal Life" for a shot at a redeemed 15 minutes of fame.

On a completely unrelated note, has anyone seen "The Secret Life of Bees"? I'm looking for someone to go with...

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