Friday, December 5, 2008

Self Proclaimed Troubadors

The guitar is a powerful instrument. From the depths of its six-string soul came power unlike anything the musical world had ever seen. Rock gods and blues legends were born, forever changing generations of music the world over. But alongside these gods and legends, another breed of guitar player was born. A different kind of guitar player. A guitar player who's skills would scrape the lower reaches of sub-par playing and who's "abilities" would be used to promote self-absorption and deception. An "artist" who's repertoire would include the not-so-complicated songs on a Dave Matthews Band set list or the emotional melodies spilling out of "Your Body is a Wonderland." Whatever the case, this player abuses the power of the guitar and, in turn, engages in unethical pick-up tactics.

The guitar has powerful effects on women. Seriously. It's a scientific fact/I read it on Wikipedia. The sounds coming from a guitar are a natural aphrodisiac and as long as you make borderline "I'm stalking you" eye contact and lick your lips every once in a while whilst playing, the hottest girl in the room will sleep with you. I don't make the rules. The problem is, more and more guys are finding out about this age old secret and are taking advantage of it. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is as wrong as an albino at a Snoop Dogg concert. Now before I start dogging on the Benedict Arnolds of guitar playing, how about some background on me?

I've been playing the guitar for going on eight years now, and boy are my arms tired! But seriously, they are. I started playing the guitar in high school when high-pitched, awkward me had nothing else to do since making the personal choice to abstain from having pre-collegiate alcohol. I just didn't want to fall in love too soon and get my heart broken again. It hurts too bad.

I was such a fool.

So I started learning the songs that most touched my heart/the songs that didn't hurt to play, and actually became a self-proclaimed ok at it. Most of these tracks were centered around the 90's because, after all, it was the greatest decade of this or any generation. One can only imagine the emotional tears of joy I brought to my audiences. Like witnessing the miracle of birth or two rainbows at once, there is nothing like hearing the graceful melody of "Semi-Charmed Kinda Life" on acoustic guitar around a campfire. One word: breathtaking.

So there I am, shredding in stadiums (my parents' garage) and living like a rock star (putting extra sugar on my cereal) when not-so-all-of-a-sudden I realized the powerful magnetic attraction between my guitar and girls. Now I don't want to mislead you into thinking that girls were throwing their bras at me, but they were. Literally, everywhere I went there were bras. And right when I thought I got rid of one, it seemed like two more would replace it. Now I know what you're thinking, "That's awesome! You must have been ridiculously charismatic and good-looking!" Well, I was.

Not pictured: Me.

But in all honesty, I learned the guitar for ME. I learned it because I wanted to and because I wanted to be in Simon and Garfunkel (who rejected me after only one audition!? I guess they weren't big fans of the whole "trio" thing. Close-minded if you ask me...) But then I went to college. Now, most of us have run into the guy that always has his guitar out and plays songs just to be noticed. That's really nothing new and to be honest, I'm not even really upset about it. If you're good at guitar, in my opinion, you should share it with the moderation of course. I mean, Wendy's is awesome, but to eat it everyday would literally kill someone via tasty values. My annoyance begins where it's taken a step further by putting on a button up and enough cologne to successfully tranquilize a moose before each rousing set of "Wonderwall" followed by a borderline offensive interpretation of "Freebird."

I actually had someone ask me in college to teach him guitar so he could get women. He came in my dorm room and said "Can you teach me to play guitar so I can get women?" Isn't that like asking "Can you teach me to break dance so I can stop the war in Iraq?" It's not really an instantaneous thing and really doesn't get any better when mixed with hazardous levels of Axe and collars popped higher than Jay and Silent Bob at a Cheech and Chong convention.

The point I'm trying to make is, as mentioned, the majority of all women are attracted to the guitar. But don't learn the guitar to get women. Frankly, it's flat-out overrated and considered "selling out" in most Midwestern cultures. And if you're going to play "You're Body is a Wonderland", at least play it when either A) alone or B) directly staring into the eyes of a single girl in your bedroom. Don't play it on a secondhand, multi-stained couch in the middle of a sausage fest where one or two girls were tricked into showing up with the more-than-delivered upon promise of free alcohol. They are only interested in you because your partial delivery of the man-God's love anthem reminded them of something they desperately want (but can't realistically have). So in a drunken stuper they close their eyes and imagine Mayer in some inappropriate manner when, in reality, they will open their eyes to find that they are holding on to a dream but are left with the essence of John Mayer's table Oh, and all of the other guys think you're a douche bag.

1 comment:

Extreme Brigs said...

Wait... playing guitar gets you CHICKS? Which flavor of Axe is most successful? If only I'd known all this BEFORE I'd gotten married...