Friday, August 29, 2008

Traffic makes angry an understatement

Since I've moved to Chicago, I've been presented with the unfortunate punch in the rectum we call commuting. Conversations recently for me have unraveled something like this:

Person: So you commute every morning? I'll bet that sucks. What's it like?
Me: It's like watching the movie Gigli in slow motion while the person you hate most in the world shreds all the money in your bank account and makes out with the girl you love, all the while sitting on a bonfire with gasoline pants on.
Person: I like Gigli.
Me: You're a dick.


No matter how many people pose the question "What causes traffic?" I have yet to hear an answer that doesn't piss me off even more. Really, if it were any logical answer, I would probably still be upset, but I would accept it. Even if someone were to say "Well, every weekday the magical asshole fairy frolics to each interstate, dropping an unnecessary amount of cars and terrible drivers across the land. And just to add sprinkles to the turd, he tops it all off with tolls, the occasional fender bender, and construction, racking on an additional fortnight's time to get home." Not cool magical asshole fairy. Not cool.

But alas, I am left to deal with this corporal punishment and watch my restraint for road rage fly out of the window (at a stop-and-go pace of less than 3 mph.) And with all of my experience in the field, I have come to the conclusion that there are basically three types of people that occupy the road today:

1. The "Lemming"- This type of driver will only switch lanes or move when the person in front of them switches lanes or moves. The driver develops an imaginary bond with the dominant car similar to that of Frodo and Samwise Gamgee. "I made a promise Mr. Frodo to never keep you out of my sight, and I don't intend to break that promise." Don't be Samwise...he's a passive sidekick that played Rudy. Never forget that.
2. The "Bluetooth Douche"- This type of driver loses all possibility of retaining rationality as soon as the engine starts. A rush hour commute for a person of this type is like playing a game of Frogger for the right to keep their first-born son. Although rare, a certain variation of this type does exist without the presence of a Bluetooth headset, but its almost as rare as a clown without the creepy.
3. The "What Would Jesus Do?"- This type of driver is the most scarce and is on the verge of extinction. Generally seen leaving occasional gaps for drivers to switch lanes and waving when someone lets them into the flow, this elusive driver has been sought out by protection agencies for years, but is slowly being killed off by the predatory Bluetooth Douches. The protection of this endangered group is eminent in keeping a small margin of quickly depleting sanity in the atmosphere.

So the next time you raise your middle finger in traffic or break your hands hitting the steering wheel, think about which category you fall under. Get yourself a WWJD bracelet if you need to. Because if you're on the fence about whether or not you're helping or hurting, than you're definitely hurting. Now stop reading this and go get yourself a Bluetooth headset.

Thursday, August 28, 2008


I'm a pretty passive person by nature, but many of you that know me also know that I can get fired up when something really grinds my gears. I know what you're thinking...what could I possibly get upset about? Truthfully, a lot of things. Here is a small sampling: Hummers, drunk people that say "I'm not drunk", the villain from the movie "The Patriot" (if you don't agree with me than you're not American), and any song written by Dashboard Confessional (if you're thinking "Hey that's not fair, DC is a great band", than you're obviously a registered douche bag that should be stabbed with a spoon.) So I decided to start an uncensored blog that would allow me to vent on what really pisses me off and lately, the list has been growing.